A New Mental State

UGH! I can't so this anymore. I can't be fat. I just stared at my 208lbs self in the mirror and listened to all the horrible things I hear myself say about it. I can't do this.
I will not sit on the couch, I will not eat that bag of chips, chocolate bar or beef jerky. I will NOT reward myself with food. I am not a dog.
My reward will be self esteem.

I need motivated people to guide me. Not quitters and cheaters. I am one of those and I can't be anymore. I'm not healthy, I'm not happy. I can't do all the things I want in life because I feel my weight restricts a lot of things. I'm embarrassed to go out. I push people away from me. I hide in my clothes and keep myself away from others. 

I miss me, the old me. The new me sucks. I need to be the confident me I used to be, for myself, for my husband and for my children. They cannot grow up watching me struggle with my weight. It's not fair to them or to me.

Today, is a new me...a better me. Because I can't be the me I've been for the past 5 years anymore. I hate that bitch and I want her gone. She hinders my progress. She gives into McDonald's, she says "maybe later" about exercising, she says "I'm busy" when invited to pool parties and the beach. She holds resentment towards her thinner friends. It's not ok anymore. It never was ok.